tomorrow and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, don johnson, james taylor, and celebrities read "mean tweets" live, with cleto and the cletones. and now, when all else fails, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: thanks, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. glad you're watching. thanks to all of you for coming. thank you for joining us on what is the first day of autumn. i tell you, i love ought tell in la. the leaves are the same as usual. the air is the same as usual. people wear the same clothes as usual. it was 86 degrees here today. the only way to tell what season it is in l.a. is by which flavored syrup starbucks is adding to their coffee. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] if it's pumpkin spice you know summer must be done. the change of seasons is a big time of the year for our nation's weather forecasters. last night, a weatherman from the local nbc affiliate in charlotte, north carolina, i have to say he really nailed it. so much so he earned this week's "award for excellence in reporting." >> and it's the first day of fall tomorrow.

i'll show you what's coming our way and when we could see some more rain coming up tonight at 11:00 on nbc charlotte. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i feel like we all just went on an ununcomfortable date with that weatherman. fy was directing that show he would still be standing there smile. meanwhile in our nation's capital, popemean yas overshadowing everything else. pope francis is here. it's his first visit to the united states. he got in yesterday. he didn't do anything last night, they want him to rest for his hectic schedule the next few days. he did get some rest. much of it during his welcoming

the white house. that's just one thing about being pope is nobody knows when you're sleeping or when you're praying. and -- and -- nothing. still nothing. oh, wait, i think -- can we rewind that and zoom in? because i think he did open his eyes there. let's see. okay, yeah. he did. he was awake. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the man is wearing a 2,000 thread count sheet so what do you expect? the pope addressed about 11,000 people at the welcoming event. he spoke about climate change. he said it's a problem that "can no longer be left to a future generation." global warming is a very important issue for the pope

wear a floor-length, love-sleeved gown to work every day and it's hot. a lot of religious conservatives are trying their best to ignore the pope's warnings about climate change while he's here. they say the pope should stick to matters of spirituality and leave the science to, well, not to the scientists because they real. leave it to the -- leave science to exxonmobil is what they're saying i think. the pope had a private meeting with president obama in the oval office and lunch at buffalo wild wings. it was a nice day. the president presented the pope with a gift. he gave him a sculpture of an ascending dove made out of metal taken from the statue of liberty and wood grown in the white house garden. and i'm sure the pope's cleaning lady is really going to like it. it's beautiful. this is very funny. chris christie, governor of new jersey, he's running for president right now. chris christie is reportedly ordered the commander of the

state national guard to lose weight. [ laughter ] for real. and that is how you put the hippo in hypocrite. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] really remarkable. this brigadier general, michael cuniff, failed a fitness test in 2013. his waist side size was 43, which is 4 1/2 inches over the limit. so chris christie gave him 90 days now to slim down or ship out. i know they have different jobs but this is chris christie. okay? and this is general cuniff. and this is a bucket of fried chicken with a pile of chocolate chip cookies on top. [ cheers and applause ] chris christie had a secret lap band surgery two years ago. i don't know if he's lost anything. apparently the surgery was even a secret to his stomach. [ laughter ] he had a band put around his

stomach. and that band by the way? bon jovi. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this is a sad week for baseball fans. because yogi berra, hall of fame catcher and manager for yankees and mets, passed away yesterday, 90 years old, a great catcher and a great character. he had so many classic quotes. yogi berra is the guy who said, 90% of the game is half mental. ed he also said, it's deja vu all over again, which is a classic. probably his most famous quote was, it ain't over till it's over. he was known as much for screwing up metaphors as he was for baseball. so i can't help but feel like it makes perfect sense that this is how the associated press reported his death today. new york yankees machl catcher yogi bear has died. went to that great picnic basket in the sky.

against all odds gary busey, still alive. that's right. and wreaking havoc on "dancing with the stars." last night gary busey and his partner anna trabunsky who i hope is getting paid more this year about a passe doble. >> gary and inaba. >> 5. >> you'dly ann huff. >> 5. >> bruno. >> 5. >> anything you want to say about those 5s? >> the 5s are going to go up and the 5s -- if that's as far as they can count, god bless them. >> what am i supposed to do? >> jimmy: good question. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't know, run? we have an exciting show. not only for you but especially for me. don johnson is here, james

[ cheers and applause ] james taylor has a new album called "before this world." james taylor has what is quite possibly my favorite voice in the world. next to my aunt chippy's. next to yours, guillermo, as well. i'm a big, big fan of his work. i've had an idea of a project to do together for quite a while. it's a concept album. we've been working on it. we shot a commercial for it which i would like to debut on this show tonight. if you are a long-time james taylor fan or a new one, i think this is something that will interest you, take a look. >> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. with the one and only james taylor. >> hi. i'm james taylor. here to tell you about a special new album of my greatest hits with a twist. >> jimmy: the twist was my idea. hi. i'm jimmy kimmel. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: hi, james. james taylor. he's had one number one hit and a number three hit, a number four hit, and two number five hits. and now for the first time on

television, you can own all of james taylor's biggest and best-loved loved songs with the words "in my pants" at the end of them. in my mind i'm going to carolina in my pants >> jimmy: james taylor. >> me. oh mexico in my pants sounds so simple i just got to go in am i pants oh so i'd hike to light up the night in my pants make everything all right in my introducers >> jimmy: the songs you grew up with. followed by the phrase you love. i seen fire and i seen rain in my pants seen sunny days that i thought

may never end in my seen lonely times that i could not find a friend in my pants but i always thought i'd see you again in my pants >> jimmy: you won't believe how much music james taylor has in his pants. >> it's a lot. coming. james taylor brings so much warmth and honesty to every song he sings. whenever i see your smiling face i have to smile myself cause i love you in my pants >> jimmy: james taylor like you've never heard him before. this special collection is not in stores. >> order now and i'll send you this picture of me eating a sandwich. >> jimmy: signed by james taylor. >> no. it's not. >> jimmy: not signed by james taylor himself.

sandwich. >> to order james taylor's greatest hits "in my pants" use your credit card and call the number on your screen. this is a limited time offer so call now. in my pants >> jimmy: james taylor. basically we'll hear more later. when we come back from the break, surprise mystery celebrities, big ones too, read live mean tweets. and a fall equinox-themed edition of "lie witness news." i now that sounds terrible but it's good.

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>> jimmy: welcome back. don johnson and james taylor are on the way. but first i mentioned earlier, today is the first day of fall. the autumnal equinox, which is considered to be the official start of fall, happened at 4:31 a.m. eastern time this morning. for those who don't know and i had to look this up, the autumnal equinox is when the equator passes the center of the sun, resulting in equal amounts of day and night for both hemispheres hemispheres. it happens twice a year. this is why they call gyms equinox because people only exercise twice a year. we went out on the street and we asked people, are you and your family prepared for a 5.5 magnitude equinox? when you ask a dumb question, you get dumb answers back. in this week wa knox edition of "lie witness news."

prepared for the 5.5 magnitude equinox that will hit today? >> no. my family's good because here in georgia. i'm not prepared. i'm here. but they will be safe and sound in georgia. >> what's the most important thing to do during an equinox to stay safe? >> underground shelter. you know. stuff like that. >> what other stuff? >> basically tunnels. you know. dig your own things. >> how does a tunnel protect you during the equinox? >> you ain't got very many windows next to you where they estimator and hit you and stuff like that. >> what could congress do to help america during this time of equal days and nights? >> education. a lot of americans aren't aware of it. education is key. >> perhaps you could have benefited from that as well. >> could i definitely have benefited from it. >> what advice do you have for people during this big equinox? >> for the big equinox, stay safe, dig a tunnel, stay away

from broken glass and everything flying around. >> thank you so much. hopefully they'll listen. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very good. now it's time -- we've tee claired this week "mean tweets week." it's like "shark week" but the sharks are words. each night we've asked a group of celebrities to read some of the not so nice things people have posted about them and we're doing that again tonight live. i'm going to sit in the audience with everyone if that's okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my father's here, where did you come from? never mind. that's my father. anyway. it's time for "live mean tweets." say hello to your first surprise superstar.

>> this is from @johnelgmans. emily blunt's eyes make up for that horrendous sound that comes out of her mouth. #britishaccent. in case you didn't know what he meant. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, emily. next, please welcome salma hayek. [ cheers and applause ] >> i hate salma hayek movies. her voice amoys me and they never show us her boobs, meh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, salma. our next mean tweeter is andrew garfield. [ cheers and applause ]

to do his utter best to look like a pedophile? that lives in an rv? [ cheers and applause ] to jack black. [ cheers and applause ] >> from 10ck. is jack black married? because that's [ bleep ] gross. that's a sweet tweet. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, jack. more "live mean tweets" tomorrow night, join us then. tonight the great james taylor is here. we'll be right back with don johnson! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by couples therapy with dr. jenn.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, there. tonight, one of my all-time favorites, one of the all-time favorites of the world, the latest album "before this world." james taylor is here to chat. [ cheers and applause ] also to sing on the samsung outdoor stage. tomorrow night the reigning lady

will grace us. all three of he shows, "grey's anatomy," "scandal," "how to get away with murder." the return of dave salmoni with wild animals. plus music from jill scott and more big stars in studio reading live mean tweets. i want to say hello to our new friends on star world in india right now. we're now on in india. anything you'd like to say to the people of india, guillermo? >> guillermo: hi, india, enjoy the show! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: to shows watching in india i would like to say. [ speaking foreign language ] which might mean something dirty, i don't know. three decades ago on "miami cise" our first guest inspired a generation of young men to abandon their razors and their socks. his impact on our culture cannot be measured. he has a new show called "blood and oil." >> you're a lying son of a

bitch. get up, man. stop acting like a damn coward. you are out, boy. no cards, no clubs, no cash. are you hearing me? you're out! you don't deserve to be my son. >> jimmy: "blood and oil" premieres sunday night at 9:00 on abc. please say hello to don johnson! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, they're playing

your song. >> i know, right? wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how you doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: great to have you here. it way, i would love to be your son. no offense to my own father. seriously. i want to ask you, sonny crockett, when you play that character, the look, was that something that someone gave to you? a stylist or something? >> no. it was a function of the heat. >> jimmy: oh. in miami. >> yeah. i would go to work in july, which is like going to cambodia. any time. >> jimmy: right. >> and it was so hot when we were making the show that i just kept taking articles of clothing off. [ whoop ] >> satisfied customer. [ applause ] >> jimmy: then everyone else did too. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: there are a lot of shows that are big hit shows. a lot of the people watch them. other shows, much fewer, that

become actual cultural phenomena. that is the case for "miami vice." i assume that was a complete surprise? >> well, yeah. i mean, first of all, i'd had five failed pilots before that. >> jimmy: really, five? >> yeah. so i pretty much, when they picked up this show, i sort of said, okay. don't look up. don't get anybody's attention. because they'll fire you. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so i just kept my head down. >> jimmy: when did it dawn on you, this is a really big thing? >> well -- the second season. we started with the two-hour opener in new york city. and we were -- i kind of had an idea. i was still afraid to look up because i was afraid somebody was going to say, that's a joke, get out of here. philip and i had -- philip, michael thomas who played tubbs in the show -- prp [ cheers and applause ]

we're chasing bad guys down the street. and it was downtown near the financial district. there were these big buildings around, of course, and we're set up, and because we were pretty famous at the time we couldn't really go out and do the rehearsal. so they set the shot and up they said, okay, you just run out here, run down the street, catch the bad guys, and that's that. so, action! we take off running. the windows opened up. and panties -- [ laughter ] >> started raining down. not 100. thousands. of panties. >> jimmy: what? >> started coming out of the buildings. raining down on the street. and i'm like going, what the hell is going on? there's panties flying. and we're chasing the bad guys, there's panties falling on philip's head. so we get to the end of this block and the director says cut! and i said, what? what was that?

he says -- it was paul michael glazer. he said, well, it was a spontaneous raining of panties. out of the sky. >> jimmy: he probably knew that from "starsky and hutch." i would imagine they got some -- >> yeah. fans of yours? >> jimmy: wow, that's crazy. >> yeah. >> jimmy: also unsanitary, i have to say. >> the hilarious part of this is after it shot we had to do it again, of course. because we couldn't figure out a way to write in thousands of panties falling out of the sky. so the hilarious part was watching the pas, production assistants, the assistant directors, everybody else gather up the pan tizz. panties. off the street. that was hilarious. >> jimmy: the harvest, yeah. no more panties from the buildings. >> well, you know, pretty soon we -- i think we did it two or three more times and they ran out of panties. >> jimmy: yeah. how many do you really have on hand? especially in the financial district. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's amazing.

they're not even at home. these are people at work taking off their pan tizz. >> taking off their panties? i never had anything like that, no, i never did. >> i haven't since either. >> jimmy: "blood and oil." it's not in miami, but rather, north dakota. >> north dakota, yeah. where they put more panties on. >> jimmy: tell everybody what the idea of the show is. >> well, the show is about an oil tycoon that i play named hat briggs. >> jimmy: great name. the best name. >> i've been very lucky. >> jimmy: nash bridges, hat briggs. >> come on. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and he's this -- the baron of the bakan, the area in north place. and he's a fun son of a bitch. play? >> meaner than hell, funny to watch, fun to be with. >> jimmy: one last thing if you would be so kind. we'ven on the air now almost 13 years. this is your first time here.

group of people, we call it the crockett pocket. they come to the show. they've been so excited. just wave at them. [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. >> jimmy: you don't have to come anymore! >> whatever you're taking, cut it in half. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's don johnson, "blood and oil" premieres sunday night at 9:00 on abc.

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breaking today? >> way too many to count. >> i like that, let's do it. >> what's happening? >> from my perspective, just trying to find how the to get that spark back that we had when we were originally married, know what i mean if. >> she's putting on weight. >> you know she's gained weight since we married -- >> she's not in bad shape. woman. she's 130, i want 109. what if we did 115? >> oh my god, she weighed 130 pounds, let's shoot her and cook her. you've got to be kidding me. >> i just want my husband to love me, i want my kids to believe in satan, is that asking too much? >> i want my kids to love me, i want them to love you, i want them to worship satan. >> the satan is stuff, there she goes -- >> i think i fell off the truck. you want them to love satan? >> it's all about destroying god.

>> yes, or eradicating god. >> i thought he was scary. you're even scarier. >> she's scary because of her weight, right? >> stop already with the [ bleep ] before i kick the [ bleep ] out of you -- >> it's one thing to be loving satan. a fat satanist on top of it? >> forget the fat [ bleep ]. forget the fat [ bleep ]. between the two of you i don't think those kids have a chance in hell. >> they do have a chance in hell. everybody has a chance in hell. >> you think so? oh, well, your hell, yeah. >> can we engage in a prayer to satan? >> did you know about [ bleep ] before you married her? >> her weight? i had no idea. >> never mind the weight! do you know about the satan thing? >> the priest at our wedding was a satanist but i thought it was a phase, you know? like, well, she's hot, she's 109 pounds. you can overlook a lot -- >> start praying. >> no. >> if you're going to pray to satan in front of me, go outside and pray to him, please.

come into this room, come into this room right now, satan. >> okay, i'm here. you called? >> you crazy bastard. >> did you fix them? oh, come on. satan! >> take those horns and stick them up your ass! >> stop it. >> great job, aunt chippy. >> i'm going to kill you, jimmy! >> "couples therapy with dr. jenn" returns wednesdays in october to vh1. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with james taylor! it responds to the pressure of your finger. so you can peek into stuff. and pop stuff open. which changes how you play a song. read a text. read an email. read the news. wait, you read the news? kid: yep of course you do. now you can change apps like this. pay at more places like this. and the new color looks like this... it's rose gold, it's awesome.

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>> jimmy: our next guest is a five-time grammy award-winning musician and member of the rock and roll hall of fame. this year he had his first number one album ever, "before this world." please welcome the sweet baby himself, james taylor! [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. i've been wanting to have you here for a very long time. i'm sorry the seats aren't comfortable. how can this be your first number one album? >> isn't that something? >> jimmy: seems like a mistake at this point in your career -- does it matter to you? does that make you happy? >> it does. it makes me very happy. it still makes me happy. >> jimmy: that's good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: when you started making albums early in your career, would you -- because i love having the actual album. would you go to the record store and look at the display? check it out? >> i spent a lot of time in record stores when i was a kid. and i'd -- back in those days, well, my brother alex had a record store. >> jimmy: he owned a record store, wow. >> he ran it i'veout of business in

and any other business that he touched. but while it lasted anti-war great because we could listen to everything. we could preview things and check them out and get him to order things. >> have you ever gone into a record store and purchased your own record? >> i think i must have at some point. yeah. >> jimmy: undercover? or just to delight the sales clerk? >> no, just because i needed a copy to give to someone or to, you know, reference a song or something. >> jimmy: we found this photograph. this billboard is from -- looks like 1969. this was right down the street from us on sunset boulevard. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come in a little close they are. that looks like a dangerous man to me. is this something you saw in person when it was up? >> oh, yeah, i saw that. yeah, that was a big deal to have your billboard on sunset strip. >> jimmy: sure, yeah.

i think it probably still is. is this the sort of thing that you would like load some women into the car and drive by and go, oh, well, look at that! look at that! i mean, that's pretty nifty to have something like that. i've seen you many times in concert. i listen to your music almost every day, i would say. of my life. which is a strange thing. >> do you really? >> jimmy: yeah. when you go to a country where -- a nonheave english speaking country, do they know the words to your songs? >> sometimes they do. it's amazing how many people learn english by learning american and english pop songs. >> they tell you that when they meet you? >> yeah it really works that way. >> jimmy: huh. >> so yeah, they do. you know, if there are enough

full of tickets for, then if you've got an audience, then you have some people who know your songs. it stands to reason. so yeah, they do. particularly in italy, in ireland, in brazil. they sing really loud. they just come up with it. >> jimmy: that has got to be the greatest thing. >> it is. >> jimmy: it's one thing -- >> have you ever heard at a soccer game when the europeans -- they sing that oh ah oh ah oh ah >> jimmy: yeah. >> sounds like that but it's your song. >> jimmy: that's great. what's the strangest place you've ever played? what was the most unusual or weirdest? fill in the blank there. >> well, my family, for my birthday, my 30th birthday, took me on a sort of a surprise trip. and it wasn't till i was on the plane that i realized i wasn't

going to cincinnati to a tennis camp. what an absurd idea. but rather to bermuda. at the time i was in treatment for addiction. i was on methadone maintenance. in the sky i realized i'd get in trouble when we landed. because bermuda didn't allow that sort of stuff. and i had a week's worth of medication. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> so when i landed, the customs people, they were sort of -- they took me straight to this guy who looked like -- he looked like one of papa doc duveya's secret service guy. he was razor thin. he was absolutely no affect and mirror shades and a sort of like an evil dictator's hat on, you know? but anyway. the upshot was that my medication was sent to a sort of social services place and every

day i'd get on my moped and do a five-mile -- a ten-mile round trip to get my methadone every day, which was humiliating and one of the reasons i finally got sober. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> but the guy who was dispensing my medication every day also ran a mental clinic. well, it was an insane asylum, really. old-fashioned snakepit nuthouse, really. and because -- so he her the period of the week, he sort of twisted my arm into doing a concert for his inmates. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> so i found myself in a beautiful old sort of auditorium with no windows. it had clear story light around the top of the walls. but no windows to the outside. and it was -- since bermuda's

such a small population they don't have a separate wing for geriatrics, one for catatonic schizophrenics, one for young adolescent suicides. what they've got is everybody in there together. so they brought the entire menagerie into this one room. i was given a stool with a boom box with a microphone plugged into it. i had a little tiny guitar i'd take on vacation with me. so i was singing you've got a friend into this. meanwhile, throughout -- there were 75 patients and about 50 caretakers, white coats in there. throughout the period of this relatively short half-hour concert, people would sort of go

clothes over here. i remember one specifically, one old gentleman coming up to within about ten inches of my face and singing -- you know that song "the sun will come out tomorrow" from "annie"? >> jimmy: yeah. >> only with such manic enthusiasm, you know. it was wild. >> jimmy: do you ever think maybe you weren't performing? maybe you were in the mental asylum? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: something to think the new album is great. congratulations. it's number one. when we come back we'll hear music from james taylor! be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

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as the shrimp. and yeah, they're endless, but they won't last forever. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank don johnson, and apologize to matt damon. "nightline" is first next. the number one album "before

here with the song "stretch of the highway," james taylor! [ cheers and applause ] i was born singing yes i am grew up some kind of traveling man sunday morning pack my things so long sweet potato i'm on the road again oh it's a lovely stretch of the highway leading me on

is to miss my home when i'm gone soon as i'm gone chi-town baby baby that's my town too people pick it right on up right on up do the looma lamaloo just for example baby look at ye yonder there chicago's got the finest high-class first-class pu -- anywhere oh it's a lovely stretch of the highway child leading me on and my favorite thing is to miss my home

soon as i'm gone i want to thank the man that planed the land i want to thank the man that towed the heavy load in the burning sun and the freezing cold i want to thank the man that made this road thank the man eisenhower, mister dwight d general motors big ole gmc they saw the future yes indeed

eternal combustion that's what the country's gonna need oh it's a lovely stretch of the highway child leading me on and my favorite thing is to miss my home when i'm gone soon as i'm gone when i'm gone soon as i'm gone